The Ninth Inning

School is out--finished teaching about two weeks ago and the blessed reprieve called summer is once again upon us. If I could have seen ahead of time everything that transpired during May and June, I would've locked myself in my room and hid the key. Thankfully the Lord didn't reveal it to me and instead He has been/is teaching me to rely on His grace day by day. Year 9: My best year as far as teaching goes, my worst as far as health goes. This is the year that I can finally say that I love teaching, and the Lord gave me joy in the midst of being sick for a good portion of the school year. The Lord gave me the grace to teach 100 kids playing on 10 different instruments who were a part of 6 different ensembles. Stressful, but I did enjoy most parts of it.

It is also the year I say goodbye to teaching in a Christian school. The particular school where I teach is struggling to make ends meet and my position is one of the casualties. Why a school would decide to cut a teacher who is running a successful program is beyond me, but it is not beyond the Lord. He is the one who allows things to take place and I must trust that this is His will for me right now. So....year 10 will be the 1st year that I will only be teaching in a public school and the Lord has provided me with the opportunity to increase my time there. I will continue in my current string position and in addition teach some middle school band. This whole situation sure has been both stressful, frustrating and exciting. But when all is said and done, it makes me turn to Him whole has the whole world in His hands. Who am I to question His ways?

I was thinking about it one night--over the time that I have been teaching, I have worked with over 1000 kids. It is wild to think about--both amazing and scary. And that is only in nine years. If the Lord keeps me teaching for quite a bit longer......it really puts into perspective the need for me to be a good witness in the workplace.

Trusting Him

This has surely been one crazy week on my end of the computer. Every night I have had something to do, and by the time I hit Wednesday I did not think I was going to make it through the end of the week. I was dreading yesterday and today because they were both such busy days. Oh, me of little faith. In my head I know that He will provide for all of my needs, but in my heart I don't always follow through and let the head knowledge become heart knowledge.

Wednesday night I felt that the Lord was telling me to go to prayer meeting. I couldn't not obey and was so blessed by the meeting. Yes, I was extremely tired the next day as I greeted my kids in the "wee hours" of the morning, but I had a peace that I hadn't felt in awhile. He not only sustained me through a tiring day yesterday, but also gave me the grace to make it through a 12 hour day at school today. Not only survive, but thrive and be blessed by the evening's activities. For that I am very thankful....and humbled by my own lack of faith. It seems that years after coming to know the Lord as my Saviour trusting Him should be easier. How sad that I still struggle so much with this! But at the same time, the fact that He is testing me in the area means that He is not through with me, so praise the Lord!

Thankful

I am thankful that the Lord never leaves or forsakes us and that in the midst of a trial He can give us the grace to persevere. His love is steadfast no matter how I waver and step off of the straight and narrow path. Thankfully His saving grace is not dependent on my actions and I can not be plucked from His hand. In a world full of constant responsibilities and things that are dependent on my action (or inaction), it is good to remember that I don't earn His favor and that it is freely given to all who seek His face and believe in Jesus as Lord and Savior.

Change is the Only Constant......

excepting the Lord of course: He never changes. Good thing, I mean, who wants to put their trust in a God who constantly changes? As I was helping friends pack for a cross country move, I couldn't help but think, here we go again--things are changing. Anyone who knows me well knows that I do not greet change with excitement. I can say that the Lord is fully in control and knows exactly what He is doing, even if I can't grasp it. Besides, He knows what is best for each one of us and who would want anything less than that? But is doesn't always make it easier to deal with at first hearing of the change to come. I think it is more comforting after the news has had time to sink in and the Lord has been at work in the receiver's heart. After all, it is exciting to see where the Lord takes people and how He uses them.

On a less spiritual level, I've finally gotten to the point where I am ready to change & reorganize some of Grandma's things. I'm trying to downsize and declutter, as well as finally go through the rest of my stuff from the apartment that hasn't been dealt with. One of those things is the living room. Grandma's dvd player is starting to go, so tonight I finally got out my tv and dvd player to switch it out with Grandma's. Moving forward! Being a person who doesn't even watch tv, it will be nice to have my small tv replacing a rather large one. For your perusing pleasure, the before and after shots:


Before

(The lovely tv stand was made by my brother-in-law.)
















After!


(Big sigh of relief)

Thankful Thursday

Some days are great, others are...well...better left untold. Today was one of them. As I was driving home from a rehearsal tonight and thinking about what I would blog, Thankful Thursday popped into my head. So here we go:

1) I am thankful that our God is greater than my shortcomings and tendencies toward sin, that His blood covers my sins and that in the midst of my inadequacies He is still at work within me.

2) I am thankful that each day is a brand new start with a clean slate.

3) I am thankful for the friend who randomly gave me a gift today.

4) I am thankful that in the midst of sorrow we can take comfort in the fact that the Lord has a good plan, even if we don't understand it or can't see how it will work out. He holds the universe in the palm on His hand and that includes the circumstances in my life.

5) I am thankful that I can sleep in tomorrow, seeing as I'm staying up late to write this blog.

Viola Therapy

"When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade." This was part of a conversation I had with a colleague today as I related my discouragement and frustration over a situation I am dealing with at school. I am so discouraged by the lack of support from the administration in one of my buildings....it's to the point where there is a rather large part of me that is ready to be out of the public school system. While I enjoy working with the students, working with other teachers, parents and principals can be exasperating.

Anyways, after shoveling slush off the driveway, and then later recovering from the effort put into shoveling, I decided to get out my viola. Haven't played for awhile and I had forgotten how therapeutic playing is. As I was playing through a couple of hymns I am considering playing at church, I came to the realization that simple is sometimes the best. There is something wonderful about playing a simple hymn while taking the time to make each note sound its best. As a musician, I think we tend to get carried away turning hymn arrangements into virtuosic pieces. Is what I am playing for the Lord or is the focus on me and how "good" of a musician I am. While I agree that we should share the gifts that the Lord has given us in the area of music, I think we need to be careful about mixing the world's ideal of musicianship with the Lord's.

In the chaotic craziness that is my life right now, I long for a season where life is simple and uncluttered. How I will get there I have no idea. But it is comforting knowing in the midst of the chaos the Lord just wants me to have a simple, childlike faith--in His eyes, that is what is beautiful. Perhaps that is why I am drawn to the beauty of playing a simple hymn on a solo instrument (preferably a viola....yes, I am biased).

Sunday..again

It's another Sunday night..only it's been forever since I last wrote. I just got home from church (9:30 pm) and should be in bed, but instead I am wound up, so I thought I would write. I must say though, that I'm not looking forward to my alarm going off at 5:30 tomorrow morning. It has been almost a year since I left my old church and I finally feel like I am beginning to get to know people. It is a good thing, because it's a little lonely when your church doesn't feel like it's your family. I find it fascinating that it is only when I am starting to get more involved in the church that I start to get to know people more. Perhaps that is a simple statement, but it is interesting none the less. Anyways, I'm conducting the chime choir at church and it is a real blessing. It is a lot of fun, and there is something special when the Lord allows you to serve in an area related to your everyday job. While it is a ministry in one sense of the word when I am teaching each day out in the world, but it is sweeter when you can use your skills among believers. Definitely a different ministry, but a very good reminder that we are not supposed to compartmentalize our lives. Jesus is present with us just as much in the workplace as He is with us in the church setting.

So anyways, it truly is a blessing as I become more involved at church to get to know people. I have no idea why the Lord has moved me and brought me to this particular church, but it is good to know that it has been for a reason and that there is a ministry in which I can be involved. So, one step at a time we travel the road that He has laid before us. I tend to think it is going to take me one direction, but He proves me wrong as I encounter various bends in the road unknown to me beforehand. Lord help us to have the grace to follow your lead as You travel with us on the journey.

Progress: One Step at a Time

Sometimes I wonder if we undervalue the baby steps we take in our lives. Unpacking, for example. Obviously I can't unpack a house in one day or most likely even a week or two. So why do I fret when it seems to take me forever to get something done? When I moved in we still hadn't painted one of the two bedrooms, and as a result, everything that was going in the unpainted room was packed into the living room. I've been living here for a month now, but just tonight have I managed to clear the living room to the point where I can sit on the couch. Progress has been made! Sometimes it feels like I should shout from the roof tops when I actually complete a task that I haven't been able to get to in a long time.

Days like today remind me that our walks with the Lord are similar...one step at a time. We don't grow up over night, so why should I expect the Lord to take away all of my imperfections in the blink of an eye? Granted, we know that the Lord could do it, but instead He chooses to purify us in the fires of the ordinary, everyday circumstances we experience. I find this to be fascinating--that the trials I go through were specifically designed to purify me and mold me into His likeness. I guess that perhaps this is how Paul could rejoice in his sufferings. He tells us to rejoice in our trials. Lord, help me to have that attitude!!

Led by the Spirit

A college friend's blog sparked something that I've been pondering for awhile: what to do about next year. Right now I'm teaching three days a week at the school where I've been for the past six years. Because I wasn't teaching at church anymore, earlier in the year I put in to "transfer" to a full time position within the district. At this point I haven't been offered a full time position, but so many music teachers are moving around that it is creating a chain reaction and the chances are good that I could be offered something. Meanwhile I have gotten a new part time job teaching strings at a Christian school in the area. They want me for two afternoons a week next year.

What to do? Part of me would like to wait out and see what I get offered in my current district. It would seem crazy from a worldly point of view not to take a full time job if it is offered. Even the other teachers at the Christian school have made it clear they think a person should take a full time job when it is offered. But I'm not fully convinced that that's what the Lord would have me to do in this case. You see, ever since Fredonia days I've had a vision for a Christian music program that has become stronger the longer I've been teaching. I built up a program at church, but it was made clear that it wasn't the Lord's plan for me to be there longer.

I long to help students develop their ability to worship through music. The Lord has given each person the amazing ability to worship Him through music. I firmly believe that everyone has the capability to learn how to sing in tune and create music. I truly believe that there is a call for people to learn how to worship in a congregational setting without being inhibited or worried about what others think.

The new Christian school where I'm at is far from perfect in many ways. In some ways it is far behind the public schools. But the Lord has birthed in me a heart to continue at the Christian school. I've begun to develop relationships and I'm interested to seeing what the principal's vision for the music program is. In the Bible, people who were led by the Spirit were often led to do things that make no sense to the observer. Knowing this, and after having done some "crazy things" myself, I still find it difficult to relinquish the idea of possibly going full time in my district. But I also see where a part time position in the Christian school could possibly lead to a full time position someday down the road.

So, here I am at the crossroads, just praying that the Lord would keep guiding me, and that I would have the grace and discernment to follow His will.

Quote from Berean Call

"Trials are medicines which our gracious and wise Physician prescribes because we need them; and he proportions the frequency and weight of them to what the case requires. Let us trust his skill and thank him for his prescription."

--Sir Isaac Newton (1642-1727), English physicist, mathematician, astronomer, natural philosopher, alchemist and theologian

Abraham...

In the twenty-five years that he had to wait for the birth of Isaac, Abraham must've cried out to the Lord for help in waiting. How could he not? The Lord told him on multiple occasions that his offspring would be numerous and inherit the land of the Canaanites, but after ten or so years, he still had no children. His faith wavered, Ishmael was born, and then another twelve years went by before Isaac, the son of promise was born. We know that Abraham wasn't perfect in his faith and that there were times he failed, but the Lord still had a plan for him that included amazing blessings.

It's the period of waiting that I wonder about. What were his conversations with the Lord like? Did he cry out in distress, wondering if the Lord was ever going to bless him? Did the Lord really have a plan for his life? There are times when I cry out like Jabez did, "Oh Lord, bless me!"

Now I know that the Lord has blessed me, but sometimes in the middle of circumstances, when the going gets tough, it is hard to see many blessings. After a couple of months of not feeling well, I find my exhaustion level getting worse and my patience running out. My emotions easily get out of whack and its sometimes hard to keep a proper perspective on things. As I read through Abraham's life, it is encouraging to see that he wasn't perfect; that when the going got tough, many times he did fail and make a mess of things. It is humbling as well, that the Lord still blessed him in spite of his failures. So Lord help me, because I surely need your mercy and grace.

The Adventures Continues..

Over the past few months as I have been struggling through some major life changes, I have to say that the Lord has been gracious in providing me with enough "distractions" to keep me going. One of them has been playing my viola and prepping for my brother-in-law's recital. Almost nine years ago when I started having hand problems, my then viola teacher suggested that I give up the whole music thing and get a new major. Thankfully the Lord had other plans...but it did mean putting my viola on the back burner and taking up violin instead.

But the Lord had told me that I would play again someday--and it looks like that "someday" has indeed come. So He is faithful no matter the circumstances. And it goes to show me that I need to learn to trust Him more--only He can see the beginning from the end, and only He knows what is best for me. Since He has shown Himself faithful in this area in my life--something I've waited nine years for--it seems that it should be easy to trust Him with all the other areas of my life. Unfortunately, I haven't been the best student in that regard. But thankfully He is a patient teacher.

The recital went well Wednesday and I am more excited to practice now than I was before. I am also excited to see what else the Lord has in store. And even if it is just me and my viola working on Kreutzer and Bach, that is perfectly fine. Today I attended the spring recorder workshop and got to try a bass viola da gamba. I've never played one before, but very quickly found myself "signed up" to learn how to play. There is a couple who is going to lend me an instrument and a book--it sounded like they could use a bass player for a group. So who knows....the adventure continues....

Time for a Break

Sometimes I really just need to stop, get out my guitar and have a private worship session to get myself out of a funk. One of my favorite hymns is How Great Thou Art. I've known it for as long as I can remember and I was thrilled when I found the guitar chords. I was rehearsing once with a worship leader who had How Great Thou Art on the list of songs we were going to do, but changed his mind because he said it was, "too hard to put together." This still puzzles me to this day because I just don't understand what was so challenging about the song. It's in 3/4 and there are some jumps in the melody.....but I still don't understand what the problem is. It is interesting what we associate with different things--now whenever I sing that song that memory is brought to mind as I wonder why that person found it to be a challenge.

Another Thought on Blessed...

Just another thought before I turn in for the night: It is a witness to my family when they see my friends helping me out in small ways during this time. On the flip side, it is also a witness when they see me reaching out and doing things for others...such as taking the 2 year old for an afternoon. But it is an even more powerful combination when they see both sides of the friendship taking turns helping each other out. It seems like such a natural thing to me, but it is not such a natural thing if you are used to seeing examples that always express a "me, me, me" (or very worldly) attitude.

Blessed

The other night I was journaling and I felt the Lord telling me that I needed to focus on the blessings that have occurred since I hurt my foot, and not focus on the things that "should've happened." After I made my list it was pretty impressive, and it was neat to see how varied it was. It wasn't just one or two people who have been helping me, but many different people. For the most part it has been my closest friends and family, but when I think about it, it's pretty awesome because our relationships and friendships are supposed to be 2 way streets, i.e. have a give and take aspect. What an encouragement it has been to see the fruit of my efforts in maintaining my close friendships. Tonight the 2 year old, 4 year old, and their mom dropped by for an unexpected short visit and to drop me some dinner. It was just an awesome blessing to sit and chat for a few minutes while the kids played. And an example to me of how the body of Christ is supposed to function--that we are supposed to help take care of one another and not let them flounder helplessly. At a time when I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be leaving my current fellowship or staying, blessings like these have been not only an encouragement, but also a reminder that the church body does exist and function outside of the four walls of the church.

Loneliness

"When the morning falls on the farthest hill, I will sing His name, I will praise Him still. When dark trials come and my heart is filled, with the weight of doubt, I will praise Him still."
-Fernando Ortega

"And when I am alone, oh and when I am alone, when I am alone, give me Jesus."
-Give Me Jesus

I am finding that it truly is a sacrifice of praise to stop and acknowledge that He is still on the throne in the midst of my struggles, and that good will come out of this trial. If I don't stop and put it into perspective, than I find myself sinking into a dark pit of despair. There is no doubt about it, I am lonely. A deep set loneliness that I have not dealt with in a long time, because I am always going somewhere and doing something with someone. But strangely enough there is a peace in it--the Lord's grace I'm sure, because there is no way I can escape or run away from this loneliness--I am physically limited.

But in the midst of it this evening, I was reminded that while He was here on this earth, Jesus experienced loneliness; a loneliness so profound that we probably can not comprehend it. The King of the universe, dwelling on earth in a mortal body, surrounded by humans who "didn't get it," and separated from His Father.

Don't get me wrong, today was a good day. It was wonderful seeing everyone at church; holding the two year old and having him be thrilled to see me...but it was also a reminder of how limited I am right now in what I can do. When you are used to being a person who's constantly moving and usually serving...it is hard to just sit still and let someone else do the work. And not being able to pick up kids and carry them around is just plain strange!

But this too shall pass. Praise the Lord for that. Goodnight.

Sometimes...

I wonder if the Lord gives us seasons of loneliness so that we can struggle through some of the issues that He is working on in us.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Birthdays are such an interesting thing. I find that each year it is a completely different experience. It is also interesting how there are people who greatly publicize that it is their birthday and then there are those who don't. Last year my birthday was on a Saturday and the next day at church there was a present left for me, loudly proclaiming that it was my birthday. Sure enough, practically the whole church knew and I had many well wishes.

This year I woke up, miserable as all get out...wasn't even going to church because I have some "upper respiratory infection " as the doctor put it, I had to figure out how to get cleaned up with a cast on, Grandma's still in the hospital...yada, yada. As I sat down to meet with the Lord, and hopefully be able to cast the miserableness aside, I was reminded of a chapter I had read in Elisabeth Elliot's On Asking God Why all about "Happy Birthdays." After that I read Psalm 139. I've always considered that the "birthday psalm," and it is one of my favorites.

And it was a blessing. Perhaps it was more of a blessing than going to church would've been. I suppose I'll never know, but for whatever reason, guess the Lord wanted me in the midst of all these circumstances at this time. It was a sweet fellowship that I haven't experienced in quite a while--and a peace with just being still and hearing God speak, reminding me that He is still with me. Blessed silence! No tv on, no noise, it was wonderful....and bittersweet. As I contemplate why the people who should say happy birthday don't and the people who have no reason to know it's your birthday feel bad if they do find out...I realize that in the end it really doesn't matter, as long as you know where you stand with the Lord.

But it does give you a new appreciation and thankfulness for the things that do happen: a family party that truly was fun in the midst of not great circumstances, someone randomly showing up on my door step to say happy birthday, an unexpected birthday card, and a couple of phone calls. So, when it is all said and done, I am grateful that the Lord did step in and remove the loneliness (and self pitying thoughts that generally accompany it), and that the day was a blessing.

All in all, a blessed day

Who knows why the Lord had me take the 2 year old today, but it was nice to be over at my parent's and not be trying to get work done. It was nice spending that time with Grandma and B. I do believe she was blessed by it, and my parent's enjoyed having B. there as well. It amazes me just how much the Lord blesses my time with B. He is an extremely mellow child when he is with me, and it allows me to take him places without too much concern. We went for a walk around the block and he was perfectly content just to sit in the stroller and watch things, pointing out a car every once in a while. I was slightly concerned about when he woke up from his nap, because he is normally very cranky, and when a kid is not in his normal surroundings, one never knows how he is going to react. But the Lord was gracious and he was clingy, but not cranky. Even his mother was blessed to hear that.

It was interesting as the Lord showed me what it was like to take care of a kid "on my own turf" so to speak. Usually I am at the 2 year old's house, taking care of him and the girls, but this time I was at my parent's house and had brought some work to do (in case he took a nap). This may seem oversimplified, but it is amazing how you are not able to get anything done except taking care of the kid, when you are taking care of the kid. Not that I was chasing him around the house or anything, but even when he is playing by himself, there is a certain part of your attention that has to keep an ear or eye open to what he is up to. Not the sort of environment that lends itself to serious study. So..just another interesting experience.

It never ceases to amaze me how the Lord has had me minister to this family, and how He continues to work, teaching me new things and drawing me closer to this family. And even the fact that the 2 year old's personality fits together with mine so well. And then to think that the Lord knew this all ahead of time, orchestrating things so that we would end up where we are today. Even when you take into account the trials and "bumps in the road" of getting to where we are today, it is still pretty amazing how the Lord works.

Ok, I'm rambling on way too much, but it will be interesting someday to see just how the Lord uses all this for His glory. And I do pray that the more my parents and grandmother get to know my friends from church, the more the Lord would use them to be a witness. Who knows, perhaps it will be a 2 year old or a 4 year old who tells them about Jesus and leads them to Christ.

Saturday Morning

When I find myself tired and discouraged, it is often hard to "lean not on your own understanding" in a situation. Granted, I know that the Lord is at work in all the situations in my life, and that He works "behind the scenes" in so many ways that I can't even contemplate. But in the rebellious state of my heart, I don't want to rest in that knowledge and trust Him to know what He is doing.

There are times when I can only cry, "Lord, what is going on in me? What are you doing in my life? and Is it always going to be like this?"

Emotions are a scary thing and I realize they need to be brought under the control of the Holy Spirit, but there are times when, in my own weakness, it feels like I can't take it much longer.